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Some of 100 funny jokes by 100 comedians

02/02 20:51
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2 - Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'
Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).

3 - 'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958- )

13 - 'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK (1967-)

16 - 'Room service? Send up a larger room.'
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

23 - 'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
Bill Bailey (January 13 1964-)

26 - 'The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.'
Jay Leno (April 28 1950-)

27 - 'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
Dave Barry (July 3 1947-)

28 - 'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill (1924-1992)

30 - 'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)

35 - 'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'
Bob Hope (1903-2003)

36 - The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'
Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

49 - 'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen (December 1 1935-)

53 - I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"
Max Miller (1894-1963)

68 - 'I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.'
Richard Lewis (June 29 1947-)

73 - 'Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.'
Jim Carrey (January 17 1962-)

85 - 'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?' -
Ross Noble (June 5, 1976 -)

86 - “If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” -
Sara Pascoe (May 22, 1981 -)

89 - 'If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?'
Dara O'Brien (4 February 1972 -)

92 - 'A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.'
Frank Skinner (January 28 1957-)

94 - I don't know if I'm the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I've become religious, I’ve started to believe in God, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in God and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don't think that just could've evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.
Stewart Lee (April 5, 1968)

100 - 'You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.'
Peter Cook (1937-1995)
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